Distinctions

But my point here is how do I attach myself to “the true” in a defended way— including the modern, laid-back defense of “whatever,” or seeming to be open when, in our actions, we are not.

What truths are you holding onto? What self-deception is involved?

As my friend Raz Ingrasci says, “The truth believed is a lie.” That’s because it’s no longer alive, but exists as a concept that may or may not ever be relevant again (for example, I’m good at puzzles, or with people, or in time management, and so on).

Or because we no longer feel it—it’s just that we’ve been saying it for so long and haven’t checked back in with ourselves for a while—we might say, “of course I love my partner.” But really? And now?

This form of self-deception is really important because it remains so buried and at the same time fundamental to our identity. Consequently it’s key to coaching. Let’s be sure we check in to what our client says as “true” about her/him and not join in the self-deception by believing that people know themselves quite well. That’s really the point of these 2 articles: we don’t, and don’t know that.

Maybe, though, by now you are willing to entertain the notion that you, like me, engage in self-deception all the time. Then what?

First of all we can relax our holding onto our notions, beliefs, conclusions, truths about ourselves. That alone will make our life more spacious, leave us more open to learning and more affected by what we encounter. Maybe I do like black licorice even though I’ve been saying I don’t. Of course there are much more consequential examples. Is this still my calling? Am I ready to listen to people I’ve been dismissing?

Second, we can begin to look for ways we are deceiving ourselves. Given this article, a good place to begin is what we are super certain about, what we become fanatical about, what we adamantly, unmercifully advocate for.

What are these for you?

Third, we can examine whom we surround ourselves with:

• Only people who always agree? How can that foster self-deception?
• Only people that we keep at a distance? How can they show us the ways we are fooling ourselves?
• Only people that we feel better than, smarter than, have more power than? How will we hear and be affected by what they tell us?

Whom do you listen to? Whom do you shut out? How does that play into ways you might be deceiving yourself? Whom could you bring in to help keep you awake?

And of course one of our central coaching questions: what practices do you see you can take up to lessen self-deception?

My list includes:

• ongoing spiritual practice with a clear-seeing, clear-speaking teacher
• learning new things that deeply challenge my set-in notions of what I can do and can’t
• working with a trusted, competent therapist
• having deep, exploratory conversations with courageous intimates
• reading books that argue against what I think is true

And what’s your list?

More on this topic in the practice of the quarter, the poems that follow, and the book review, which this time is especially germane.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,

• In which specific ways did I question that which I hold to be unquestionably true, without self-criticism and without self-doubt?
• How much challenge did I welcome to my notions of myself, reality, others? What effect did that have on me?
• How did I specifically join in the views, actions, conclusions of others with little or no questioning?
• How will I take what I’ve learned in this exercise into my life so that I lessen my self-deception?

That sacred Closet when you sweep –
Entitled “Memory” –
Select a reverential Broom –
And do it silently.

‘Twill be a Labor of surprise –
Besides Identity
Of other Interlocutors
A probability –

August the Dust of that Domain
Unchallenged – let it lie –
You cannot supersede itself
But it can silence you –

(1273)

In lands I never saw – they say
Immortal Alps look down –
Whose Bonnets touch the firmament –
Whose Sandals touch the town –

Meek at whose everlasting feet
A Myriad Daisy play –
Which, Sir, are you and which am I
Upon an August day?

(124)

My Life had stood – a Loaded Gun –
In Corners – till a Day
The Owner passed – identified –
And carried Me away –

And now We roam in Sovereign Woods –
And now We hunt the Doe –
And every time I speak for Him –
The Mountains straight reply –

And do I smile, such cordial light
Upon the Valley glow –
It is as a Vesuvian face
Had let it’s pleasure through –

And when at Night – Our good Day done –
I guard My Master’s Head –
‘Tis better than the Eider-Duck’s
Deep Pillow – to have shared –

To foe of His – I’m deadly foe –
None stir the second time –
On whom I lay a Yellow Eye –
Or an emphatic Thumb –

Though I than He – may longer live
He longer must – than I –
For I have but the power to kill,
Without – the power to die –

(754)

From the graduate director

Dear Graduates,

It’s blustery this time of year in our town—the bushes rustle and trees sway about. The constancy of the wind reminds me of two things. First, how life sometimes feels as though it’s blowing us about; from one task, event, meeting, to the next. The other aspect of it, and perhaps more important, is its fleeting nature. As the wind comes and goes, so do our lives—able to affect and savor what is around us for a short while and then gone. In either case remember to feel the wind upon you and continually, in ever deepening contact, remember that you are the breeze upon others.

Thank you for what you bring to our community. I look forward to supporting you in your ongoing development—be sure to read about our new Towards Mastery programs.

Love,

Adam Klein

PS. If you haven’t already, please join the NVW Alumni Facebook Group by sending a request to join.

PCC “X” celebrates their graduation in Washington DC last month. Congratulations, friends!